


Snakes on a Klaine

by colorsofthewand



Category: Glee, Snakes on a Plane (2006)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Guns, M/M, Multi, Parody, Snakes, Spoilers - Through Season 3 of Glee, Spoils the entire plot of the movie Snakes on a Plane, Violence, bastardization of an already bastardized movie, overuse of the word fuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-12
Updated: 2014-09-30
Packaged: 2018-02-17 03:22:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2294930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colorsofthewand/pseuds/colorsofthewand
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine Anderson accidentally witnesses a crime of notorious cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester and the FBI sends agent Kurt Hummel (and his silent, but deadly, partner Matt Rutherford) to escort Blaine safely from Hawaii to LA, where he will testify against Sue in court, finally bringing justice to the many families she has wronged. That is, if Blaine can survive the flight...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of parody. Any inconsistencies, bad writing, and fourth wall-breaking are due to my attempts to create something as true to the film as possible. Snakes on a Plane has long been one of my favorite films ever, but only because of the tongue-in-cheek way in which I have always watched it. I wanted to share this with all of you. You don't have to have seen this movie to enjoy it, but I recommend that you do watch it someday, because it's absolutely lovely.
> 
> Disclaimer:  
> I in no way intend to violate copyright. I don't own Glee or the movie Snakes on a Plane, although sometimes I wish I owned both because I think I would have done a better job than those who do. I'm just a fan of both entities, and wanted to combine them.  
> (This story basically lovingly makes fun of both Glee and Snakes on a Plane simultaneously. If that sounds like something that's gonna piss you off, don't read it. But if you want some cracky shit to read, this might be perfect for you.)
> 
> ALSO: I started writing this story about two years ago, during Summer Haitus madness after season 3, so many of the characters are now irrelevant or have completely changed. Pairings are canon from that time period (or endgame).

Our story begins with a [song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rLbFOmurCY) that reminds you of a Jamaican dance party and has nothing to do with snakes. This dance party is a ukulele song with only one lyric: "It's gonna be a lovely day". This lyric is situationally ironic because something bad is about to happen. An eagle soars over beautiful Hawaii as this song plays and we see the world through this majestic eagle's point of view. Imagine the most picturesque things about Hawaii you can think of, and that is what this eagle shows you. There is white sand and palm trees and trails up mountains and surfers in the turquoise water. 

The eagle closes in on a man on a motorcycle, who is riding through the scenic Hawaiian landscape. He swerves through curves, obviously living on the edge, like a badass. We zoom in on the man, and it is clear he is really attractive. He is short but his ass is huge and probably his penis, too. He has hazel-gold-green eyes and triangular eyebrows and is basically perfect. His only flaw is that his curly dark hair is regrettably held down with gel. He is wearing black jeans and a black t-shirt and a leather jacket, like a badass motorcycle man. He is also wearing a red and blue polka dot bowtie, because he has an addiction. He is his own little ray of Hawaiian sunshine. The man's name is Blaine Anderson, but that doesn't matter because you will probably forget. 

He stops under a scenic bridge and gets off his bike. He pulls his ear buds out of his ear and looks around.  This is where Blaine comes to do yoga to make his ass so perky. He lays out his mat, and as soon as he gets into downward facing dog, his favorite position, he hears a shout. Blaine is a bouncy little fucker so he jumps 4 feet in the air and then hides behind his bike because he is also tiny. 

Something drops down from the bridge. It's...a man! The man is hanging from the bridge by a rope that is tied around his ankles. Blaine is terrified. His face is the most terrified face you have ever seen. Then two girls in cheerleading uniforms walk out of the shadows, followed by a tall woman with short blonde hair, wearing an all-white tracksuit. They cannot see Blaine from where he is standing upright behind his motorcycle. Because he is that fucking short.

"Alright, listen up!" The woman shouts. Her voice is pure melted-down evil gold and Blaine's heart clenches in fear. The woman is holding a giant wooden baseball bat. "You think you can take my budget away from me, Figgins? You little bastard. I am going to fuck you up. And then your children will know what it's like to grow up without a father." The woman lifts her hand and hits the man repeatedly with the bat. The man screams. 

"You think this is hard? Try passing a kidney stone, THAT'S HARD!" The woman continues to hit the man ruthlessly and blood spurts everywhere, all over the woman and her cheerleaders. The fashionista within Blaine wonders why the woman chose to wear all white to this event. That was pretty poor planning on her part. Blaine is kind of an idiot so he says, "All that blood's gonna stain your track suit!" out loud and the cheerleaders and the woman turn towards him. Blaine pees his pants and jumps on his bike and rides as fast as he can, back through the serene Hawaiian forest. It was not a lovely day, after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blaine Anderson accidentally witnesses a crime of notorious cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester and the FBI sends agent Kurt Hummel (and his silent, but deadly, partner Matt Rutherford) to escort Blaine safely from Hawaii to LA, where he will testify against Sue in court, finally bringing justice to the many families she has wronged. That is, if Blaine can survive the flight...

Blaine gets to his apartment and turns on the news. He wants to just pretend this never happened and live his life normally, but the news anchor obviously does not want to let that happen because she says, "Principal Figgins, of McKinley high, was brutally murdered this afternoon by none other than the notorious criminal Sue Sylvester. Any witnesses to the murder should contact the police immediately. But also, on an unrelated note, Sue Sylvester is known for killing all witnesses to her crimes in strange and violent ways. She really likes to do that, so uh yeah, keep an eye out."

Blaine sits there, mulling over what to do, when he notices the handle of his door is turning on its own. The door opens and Blaine sees the hem of a pleated mini skirt. Cheerleaders! Blaine jumps off his perfect ass and runs out his back door in a vain attempt to escape.  

He steps onto his deck and then a silky smooth hand with perfectly manicured nails clasps over his mouth. _Oh no! It's another cheerleader!_ Blaine thinks. _I'm done for!_

"Do as I say, and you live," says a high-pitched male voice, and Blaine does. The voice directs him off the deck and they jump off the balcony into a black car, like badasses. Once in the car, Blaine catches his breath. He feels safe with this man.

The man in the car next to him is the most beautiful man Blaine has ever seen and Blaine has seen and had sex with a lot of beautiful men. The man is staring intently at the road with his hands clenched on the wheel. He is talking quickly to Blaine, telling him probably crucial information, but Blaine is not listening. Blaine is admiring the man's perfect face. He has round blue eyes, and red lips, and skin that has clearly been taken good care of for a long time. The man is wearing all black and is a badass, even more of a badass than Blaine. Blaine realizes that he himself is kind of a poser badass. This guy is the real deal. He straightens his bowtie and interrupts the man. "My name's Blaine," he says smoothly.

"I already knew that, motherfucker, what do you think, I just went on the balcony of some random dude on the off chance he would need saving from a group of cheerleader assassins? Jesus, fuck, you're an idiot." The man's words sting Blaine, and his face shows it because Blaine is a puppy and every emotion shows on his face. The man sighs. "Kurt."

"What?" Blaine asks.

"My name is Kurt." Kurt turns his attention back to the road.

Blaine is happy because he likes this man named Kurt and he daydreams about wooing Kurt and then having sex with him.

 

Next thing Blaine knows, he is in an interrogation room in the basement of a scary building. A black man with a kind, boyish face is staring at him. Blaine is waiting for the man to ask him questions, or even just talk at all, but he doesn't. He just sits there silently and stares at Blaine, as though waiting for him to talk.

"Umm....what's going on?" Blaine asks him.

The man sighs exasperatedly and gets up. He mumbles something unintelligible under his breath and leaves the room. 

Blaine sits confused in the dark for a few minutes, when the door opens again and his heart leaps. Kurt walks in the room. He hands Blaine a cup of coffee (medium roast) and sits down across from him. "You know how this works: good cop, bad cop routine," Kurt says.

"Umm...that guy wasn't exactly a bad cop. He didn’t even ask me any questions. Or say anything at all…” Blaine says.

"Don't get sassy with me, Blaine. Matt Rutherford is the toughest son of a bitch I've ever known and he happens to be my oldest friend and my partner."

Blaine winces at the word "partner" and Kurt blushes. "FBI partner," he clarifies.

Blaine is relieved. He sips his coffee.

"Now, you've gotta be the big man here, Blaine. You have to be a witness to what you've seen. In court."

"But Sue Sylvester is gonna kill me!" says Blaine, who is very scared. 

"It's my job to protect you," Kurt says. "And I always do my job."

Blaine is still apprehensive. He doesn't want to get murdered by cheerleaders.

"Courage," Kurt says, leaning towards him, his blue eyes piercing Blaine’s. That’s all it takes. 

"I'll do it," says Blaine.

“Great,” says Kurt, leaning back in his seat. “Now, let’s get you a shower and a change of clothes. You smell homeless.”

 

 

In a mansion atop an ominous cliff in Hawaii, Sue Sylvester is running through cheer routines with her cheerleader minions. 

One of them spots Sue as she executes a flip, and then asks, "Your plan to kill Anderson...is it...really necessary?"

Sue slaps the cheerleader and she falls onto the mat, clutching her face.

"You think I would be doing this if I weren't desperate? If that little fucker gets to L.A. alive, the feds will keep him under such tight protection, I won't be able to finish him off before he testifies." Sue takes the sweatband off her forehead and shakes out her hair, walking over to the large windows. She crosses her arms and looks out into the night, thinking about her plan. So many things could go wrong... "I have exhausted all of my options," she says, mostly to herself. "There is no other way."


	3. Chapter 3

Blaine and Kurt work out the plans over the next few hours. They are going to secretly put Blaine on a red-eye flight to LA, where he will testify against Sue Sylvester for the murder of Principal Figgins. 

They arrive at the Honolulu airport and see all the other people boarding their flight, the attendants hanging leis around the passenger's necks as they leave Hawaii. One of the passengers is a famous gangsta rapper, 2A's, and he is greeting fans and signing autographs. A woman in a leopard print cardigan, who is smacking her gum loudly, asks him to sign her breast. 2A's is in a wheelchair, (from the time he famously got shot 50 times in the ass), so she sits in his lap and he grabs her left breast in his hand and signs it with a sharpie. She jumps up and 2A's meets all his other fans. A little boy comes up to him who is dressed exactly like 2A's, in a striped sweater and glasses, like a true gangster. The boy gets a signature and then 2A’s' bodyguard, who has blond hair and poofy lips, pushes him onto the plane. 2A's tells him they need to get more hand sanitizer if this is what the rest of the flight is going to be like. Little does he know what's ahead of him...

An asian couple stands up to board the flight. The woman is holding her husband’s hand and whispering soothing words to him. The man is clearly very afraid of flying. 

"Honeymoon," the woman says, smiling to a boy with long dreadlocks and sandals on his feet, who looks at the man pityingly.

A tall, freckled, blonde girl holds out her boarding pass, carrying her fat cat in her arms. She accepts a lei around her neck, and one for her cat.

“Namaste,” she says, bowing her head as she walks past the flight attendants.

Another blonde girl who is very beautiful, and wearing a red and white cheerleading uniform, frowns as she, too, boards the plane.

A couple sucks each other’s faces off as they board the plane. One of the flight attendants, a tall, muscled man with almost shoulder length curly hair, whispers "Why is that T-rex eating the Jew?" and his fellow attendants giggle. 

One of the flight attendants, a beautiful Latina woman with bright red nails, separates from the group and boards the plane to do some last minute checks. She walks into the cabin as the pilot comes out of the cockpit. He takes off his cap, revealing a mohawk, and whistles as the woman walks in. 

"Damn, Lopez. Lookin' good. You know, I volunteered for this flight when I heard you were on it," the man says, looking at the woman with lust in his eyes.

"Go fuck yourself, Puckerman," the flight attendant snarkily replies.

"Might have to later, if all the flight attendants are as sexy as you," he responds.

“Well, it’s Smythe and St. James. I know how much you like the boys,” Santana retorts.

“There’s no shame in playing for both teams,” says Puckerman. “There’s much more of a chance you’ll score. Which you might wanna keep in mind… While the idea of you touching other ladies puts beautiful imagery into my head, you know who to call if you ever feel like you’re missing out on what the Puckasaurus has to offer.”

Santana Lopez sighs. "Is there something you needed, _Captain_?"

"Yeahhh, there was something I was supposed to tell you..." he scratches his head. "Oh yeah! The feds have commandeered first class for some confidential shit."

"Ugh!" Santana exclaims.

"It's not that big of a deal," Puckerman says.

"You're not the one who has to inform the First Class passengers they'll be in coach.” 

Santana ties her hair up into a ponytail and prepares for the worst as the first of the passengers reach the door of the plane.

 

Little does everyone know, a few hours before, a cheerleader had snuck down to the base of the plane and sprayed the extra leis with a strange mist. "These pheromones will make those snakes go fuckin' crazy," she says aloud to no one in particular.

 

And now, as everyone boards red-eye Flight 451, if the jet engines had not just kicked into gear, a faint hissing could have been heard coming from the luggage carrier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're all enjoying! And by all I mean the two of you who are probably reading this. Thank you so much lol.


	4. Chapter 4

"Sorry, sir, First Class is no longer available," Santana says, as kindly as she can, handing the man in the front of a long line of passengers a pamphlet. "But I can offer you a seat in coach and 200 mileage points to use for your next flight with us." The man harrumphs in her face, but accepts his coupon and makes his way to find a seat. Santana sighs, as 2A's enters the plane, rolled in by his blond bodyguard. 

"We heard what you told him," the bodyguard says. "It's cool."

"It is not cool," says 2A's. 

"Sir, I know it may not be the high-class accommodations you are used to, but I can assure you, business class is just as—“

"No, no, sweet cheeks, it's not that. I respect that and I'll be fine in business class. I ain't always been this famous," he smiles at Santana, and then lowers his voice, "But Imma need you to bring me a family size jug of hand sanitizer if I'm gonna be in close quarters with this many people." Santana starts, but then nods, and 2A's offers his fist for her to bump. The deed is done, and then 2A's holds out the same hand for his body guard to squeeze a dab of hand sanitizer into. 2A's rubs his hands together as they both move down the aisle.

Next, a middle-aged man pulling two small boys behind him steps onto the plane and kneels down to face his kids. 

"Now, boys, these are your flight attendants. They are going to take good care of ye. I'll help you find a seat, and then I'm going to go," the man says to them in a thick Irish accent. The youngest boy clutches at his father's leg. The older one looks like he is trying not to cry.

"Rory," the man says, gripping his son’s shoulders, "I need you to be brave for your little brother, okay?" The boy, Rory, nods. 

Santana leans down to the kids' level. 

"Hey, guess who's on the plane?"

"Who?" the older boy asks, as the younger one peeks out from behind his father's leg.

“ _Two. A’s._ " Santana says, smiling. The boys’ faces immediately light up. Everyone has heard of 2A’s. "Go find your seats, and I'll come get you after we take off so you can meet him!" The father mouths a "thank you" at Santana and she smiles in return. 

Next to board the plane is one of the most beautiful women Santana has ever seen: she has long dirty blonde hair, big eyes, freckled skin, and legs that could go on for days. The woman is holding a grumpy-looking cat in her arms. She opens her perfect mouth and speaks: "Are you the pilot?"

Santana is too stunned to answer.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were deaf. ARE YOU THE PILOT?" she shouts, getting close to Santana's face, which does not help Santana's brain catch up. She could see the flecks of green and blue in the girl's eyes. Santana clears her throat.

"No, no, I'm not deaf. You don't have to yell. And no, I'm not the pilot either," Santana says. "But I do need to inform you that you'll have to sit in coach instead of first class."

“Coach?!” The girl leans in close to whisper in Santana's ear. " _Is it safe there?_ " she looks nervously around her at the other passengers. Santana holds back a laugh.

"Of course it's safe," she answers. "Don't worry, I'll take good care of you." Santana winks, and the girl's face lights up.

"Great! Because I need to have a seat far from the window. Lord Tubbington gets seasick," the girl says solemnly, hugging her cat closer.

"Okay, we can arrange that!" Santana says, smiling. "Go pick a seat out, I'll check on you and your friend later. Have a good flight!"

The girl salutes as she walks away. “Ay, ay, Captain!" Santana laughs.

The rest of the passengers enter the plane, and most of them who were supposed to be seated above in first class (because it is a fancy two-level plane that apparently only exist in the world of fiction) make no fuss as their accommodations are changed. 

One man, however, is set out to ruin Santana's day. Actually, if he had been left to his own devices, he would have made sure that Santana and Kurt always got the short end of the stick and that their lives sucked all the time and they were never allowed to kiss their significant others and he would keep Kurt from going to college even though he nailed his audition, but he would be really nice to Finn and Rachel (the couple that was currently sitting in one seat in each other's laps with their faces glued together) and wouldn't give a fuck about how his fans felt about his treatment of certain groups of people. But, you know, that's just speculation. This man doesn't actually know them because this is a fictional story and these are fictional characters. 

Anyway, this man is bald with a yellow hat that could look kind of quirky, but once you get to know him, the hat just becomes a symbol of how douchey and pretentious he is. 

"What is this?" he drawls, as Santana tries to hand him his coupon.

"It's a coupon for 200 mile poin-"

"Stop talking," he tells her, holding his palm up in front of Santana's lips. "I don’t think a 200 mile coupon will help me get to the studio on time, will it?" 

Santana smiles her cheeriest smile and answers, “Sir, I’m pretty sure coach gets to Los Angeles about the same time as first.”

The man picks up his luggage and goes to sit in two seats right behind the cute girl from earlier. She lifts her cat above the back of her seat to look at him, and he ignores her, lifting his copy of _OUT_ magazine with Darren Criss on the cover in front of his face.

"Well, that guy certainly woke up facing the wrong side of the radiator  this morning ," says a familiar, vaguely Southern voice, and Santana turns in surprise. 

"Shannon!" she exclaims, and throws herself into her friend's arms. "They said your last flight was on  Friday !" 

"I had to get one more in with my lil’ punkins!" she says, hugging Santana tightly. "Besides, a trip to L.A. for my last flight sounded great, the Beiste couldn't say no!"

The other flight attendants come over at this exclamation, and all embrace Shannon. She is clearly beloved. 

The curly-haired male flight attendant whispers to his friends, "Did you see 2A's body guard? Those lips are so plump!"

"I hate to break it to you, Jessie, but that guy's definitely not gay. He smells like Doritos," says Sebastian, the other flight attendant.

Santana rolls her eyes, and Jessie looks at him quizzically. "But, I wasn't...suggesting that I-"

"Save it, St. James," says Santana. "He's not listening anyway." In fact, Sebastian had already left his friends and sauntered upstairs, no doubt hoping to flirt with the agents who took over first class. Santana wonders if any of them were gay (she hadn't seen them yet, because obviously if she had, there wouldn't be any question. Blaine’s bowties scream gay louder than a person screaming “gay!”).  Her eyes flick over to the beautiful girl playing with her cat and Santana wonders the same thing about her... She smiles to herself. Despite the complications, this was shaping up to be an okay flight.


	5. Chapter 5

Blaine and Kurt board the plane and walk upstairs to commandeer the entire top floor, like the bamfs that they are. Blaine feels really bad about taking the first class section away from everyone who paid for it, but Kurt is obviously accustomed to the high life. He sits down next to his silent partner, Matt Rutherford, who is staring off into the distance. Blaine tries to calm himself down by jumping from seat to seat and playing with the reclining settings and the built in audio outputs. 

“I’ve never flown first class before!” says Blaine, reclining his seat up and down.

Kurt doesn’t look up from his magazine. “See? Things are looking up already.”

But then, a flight attendant who is the sexiest man Blaine has ever seen walks up the stairs. He is wearing a light blue flight attendant button down, which is unbuttoned almost halfway, and is rolled up at the sleeves, exposing his muscled chest and forearms. He has a multicolored scarf around his neck and walks like a cat stalking his prey, waiting for the right moment to pounce and devour the juicy rump of the gazelle in front of him. And I mean _juicy_.

"Hey, Hot Stuff," the man says, approaching Blaine and perching on the arm of his seat. "I had to come up and see what all the fuss was about. And you do _not_ disappoint."

Blaine is speechless. Partially because this man’s ass is so close to his hand he could touch it, and partially because he hears Kurt huff from a few seats back. The flight attendant glances back at Kurt, gives him a gold-medal sneer and turns back to Blaine. 

"I'm Sebastian," he says.

Blaine holds out his hand for him to shake because if he learned anything at prep school, it was the importance of manners. "Blaine."

Instead of shaking his hand, Sebastian takes it and sets it on his own thigh, palm down. Blaine tenses as Sebastian starts stroking the back of his hand with his pointer finger, swirling patterns into his skin. "So, Blaine, what are you doing up here? What's so important that you have to commandeer all of first class?" Blaine's brain goes fuzzy when Sebastian looks back up into his face with lust-filled eyes.

"Uh-guhhh..." says Blaine.

"He can't answer that, _Sebastian_ ," Kurt’s voice comes from behind them. "It's confidential government intel."

Sebastian looks at Kurt, who stares him down, and then back at Blaine, who shrugs.

"That's alright. Wouldn't want to get anyone in trouble…except I’m starting to think you might be in trouble already,” Sebastian slinks into the seat next to Blaine, leaning in as close as he can to read Blaine's magazine over his shoulder.

Blaine feels dangerous and is enjoying the attention he’s getting, so he doesn't really correct him.

 

Down in the main cabin, the Asian couple on their honeymoon is sitting in their seats. The man whispers to his new wife, "Why are there so few people on this flight? Are there terrorists?!" he looks frantically around him.

The woman grabs her husband’s hand. "No, honey, it's because it's the red-eye," she says. 

"Oh, yeah," he says. "Right, okay." He breathes deeply.

“I’m sorry,” she says, trying to hide a smile.

“No,” he says, nodding to himself. “That’s okay, it’s okay. I accept that.”

“Mike. If you hated flying this much, why did you let us pick Hawaii for our honeymoon?”

The man looks at his wife and says simply, “Because that’s where you wanted to go.”

In front of them, the boy with dreads and sandals, who looks like a teenage Jesus, sits next to the beautiful blonde girl with green eyes in a cheerleading uniform. She sits stoically and ignores his attempts at conversation. 

The pilot's voice comes over the speaker and announces that they should pay attention to their lovely stewards and stewardesses as they demonstrate the safety procedures. Santana and Beiste take the front of the cabin, and Jessie stands in the middle, right between 2A's bodyguard and the woman with the cat. A natural performer, Jessie can't help but act out his "scene" very dramatically, with an adorable smirk on his mouth, never losing eye contact with the poofy-lipped blond bodyguard. The man stares nervously at his knees, a faint blush creeping over his cheeks. 2A's shakes with silent laughter. 

Above them, Sebastian is doing much the same dance of seduction, or “emergency procedure overview”, for Blaine, who cannot keep his eyes off the way Sebastian’s chest moves underneath his blue shirt as he mimes reaching up to grab the oxygen mask. Every once in awhile, Kurt scoffs from the rear of the cabin.

After the safety procedures have been covered, the plane begins to take off. The pilot announces that if anyone needs anything, they can “holler at one of those gorgeous flight attendants”. Santana rolls her eyes, and Jessie applies chapstick to his lips. He offers some to Sam, but, of course, he’s good.

Santana heads over to where the two Irish boys are sitting and makes sure they are doing all right, and then moves to the front of the plane. She finds Beiste there, preparing the beverages for the passengers. 

"Hold on," says Santana. She reaches into the mini fridge and pulls out a bottle of champagne. "I have something special for us." 

Beiste laughs and pulls out two plastic cups. Santana pours some for each of them. "To a last flight with low-maintenance passengers!" she says.

"Or at least sleeping ones!" replies Beiste. They toast and drink. "I'm glad to be here, Santana. Glad I got to see you again." 

"You're talking like you’re dying, Beiste!" Santana says, smiling. "I'll make sure and visit you whenever I'm passing through Ohio!"

"You never pass through Ohio!" Beiste responds. Santana raises her glass in response. 

"Now I have a reason to!"

Jessie's head pops in the door. "Champagne? And no one called me?” Both women laugh.

 

In the underbelly of the plane, amongst the extra supplies, the luggage, and some cats, a timer ticks down from 2 and a half hours.

 


End file.
